Atbasar For those that are unfamiliar with me, please let me state that my prayers have nothing to do with begging or supplication to some outside source or force. I am not seeking the mercy or assistance from God or Gods. My prayers are merely “thoughts held” for the Greatest Good of the person or situation I’m praying for. I also pray for the grace to accept the outcome, finding peace and healing, even realizing that the obstacle I face may in fact be the appropriate answer to the situation. So, please don’t think I’m approaching prayer from a religious perspective.
My prayer for you today is to learn to love yourself, physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, the whole fuckin ball of wax.
“Suffering” is not a word I’m any more comfortable with than the word, “victim.” Pain is a mandatory part of life, a required course, put suffering is optional, an elective. So, let’s just say that I volunteered to climb up the rough side of the mountain to find self-acceptance and peace in my heart.
It took me nearly 50 years before I could look in a mirror and not loathe and despise the reflection I saw there. I hated that face in the mirror. I felt that it betrayed me, that it had nothing to do with the man I was, or the man that I was striving to be.
But, I can still plainly remember that day, I was 47yo. I was brushing my teeth and at some point glanced into the mirror and I was faced with this man that seemed at once a total stranger, yet somehow familiar. I found him almost attractive. In a split second I realized it was me, and in that same split second my entire life thus far suddenly made complete sense to me. Something clicked, I suddenly “got it.” EUREKA!
All those years I was attempting to embrace the face of a man that I disliked, loathed, despised even. I found him worthless and noting but an obstacle that prevented me from being the man I was truly meant to be . He was my great betrayer. All those years I blamed my appearance for my countless failures, disappointments, misery and general unhappiness. Even though I had done a lot of work on myself through various modalities of therapy and self-actualization, I continued to feel ugly inside, so I was only capable of perceiving ugliness on the outside. I had no problem finding beauty in you, or in my surroundings, but I didn’t feel worthy of feeling beautiful myself. That one instant in that one day changed my life forever.
I still face challenges and obstacles today. There are always going to be relationship issues, financial stress, care and concern for loved ones and our beloved pets. But, I no longer see myself as an enemy of my situations and circumstances. Today I am fully integrated, my own best ally, a force of nature in which I have complete and unwavering Faith.
NAM MYOHO RENGE KYO